a poem by me

she believes love can overcome all, shes young and naive
hasnt seen tha results but feels it thru tha practice of tai chi
feeling depressed she cant help but ask "why me?"
shadows tell her she cant handle it shes thinkin "try me"
she pitys herself when tha loneliness envelopes
then learns to love and embrace it
its comfortable like a cashmere knit sweater
shes been there before it'll always get better
or so he tells her
sometimes she feels like shes a catastrophe
wants to feel pain just to feel reality
but she'll never lets herself fall
its an uphill battle but she knows below darkness walks
she dont wanna go there again
she walked for a month among tha shadows dead
its a place she will never forget
but she will never regret
walking with death taught her how she needs to live
even if it might not be tha truth
ignorance can really be bliss
if positivity isnt truth than let me be ignorant she says
you continue on in your darkness

perceptions

we will never know what truly "is"
we only know what our eyes show us, ears tell us, smell and touch lets us know
all of that is our own perception of what "is"
many times we're wrong which is why we are constantly surprised by life
accept that you know the certainty of nothing and you wont be restrained by anything
most people love to be caged in a box
because its safe, you like to know where all four corners are, nothing can get in and you cant get out
accept that whatever you see and believe is not for certain in this life and you reach ultimate freedom
so to people who say they believe in freedom that's bullshit
the government knows it...you just want to feel safe.
so its your pick be scared and uncertain with freedom, or feel safe and caged.
embrace the unknown
I'd rather tread in this world with acceptance, humility and courage then arrogance, ignorance, and cowardice.

why do people change(part one)?..the story about my best friend

everyone knows that change is constant, it's the only thing in life that is guaranteed. Some people will never be able to change...why? and some people WILL change but absolutely for the worst. I have yet to see anyone create a positive change in themselves in my life. I see it on tv... the heroin addict that turns their life around and always seems to become a religion addict soon after. Is that person pushed to change because all of society's pressure is on them..or did that person truly "find" god? these questions come to me because of my own experiences. I had a best friend for 5 years of my life 8th grade till the end of high skool, unfortunately the end of high skool would also mean the end of our friendship. She was truly more like a long lost sister, all my happiest memories were with her, and thru all my hard times she was there just like i was for her. I never had a friend like her so being a good friend was of the utmost importance to me. Then, things started to change.

towards our last year of high skool i went on independent studies and she went to a continuation skool that i previously had gone to, another girl that was in our group of friends was gonna go to that skool too. I'd call her every day to see how things were goin with her and then i began to notice she wasnt really callin me anymore. I also began to see her becoming very close friends with the girl from our group lets call her "sarah". This girl was a whole other story...no sense of direction, no values, all that sarah cared about was being the epitome of what she thought was koo. So as time goes on my best friend no longer called or wanted to chill with me, which to me was very odd becuz we would hang out almost every day.. we'd always talk about how dumb it was for sarah to be trying all kinds of different pills, that we knew it was just because she wanted to be like the girls she always looked up to..which was the girls that tried everything, did everything and had a crazy story to go with everything. So i begin to see on the internet that the days she said she couldnt hang out with me becuz her "mom wouldnt let her" were the days she was hanging out with sarah and even other mutual friends of the group. I'd later find out that when they'd ask her where i was she would say "oh she's with her bf you kno she never has time for us anymore". I was being lied to straight to my face, many times i'd ask her wats up u can be real with me but she always lied "wat do u mean, ur still my best friend nothings changed"...

But CLEARLY everything had changed and it was changing more and more and i was being lied to more and more and as all that was happening i was trying harder and harder to be a good friend to her and ask her and try to understand wat was wrong. ultimately after many months she finally said "ok judy lets talk i cant hold it in anymore" we had a long conversation that lead to nowhere and was all bullshit. I tried so many times to get the truth out, i tried so many times to "start over" with her,i saw the person i once knew slipping away and turning into someone else. When we would "start over" nothing would change she'd still never call never want to hang out and never want to tell the truth. This was where i learned ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

but anyway, i let her go and just stopped trying and nothing hurt me more than to see my best friend putting up pics on the net of her drunk makin out with people, pics of her lookin drugged up at raves, losing a lot of weight, all with her new best friend sarah who she became almost a carpon copy of. Time goes on and i can feel her steppin away from that scene and decide to contact her jus to say hello pretty much, soon after i accidentally ran into her somewhere and we began to talk she apologized to me and i sensed genuinity in her voice, she had more piercings was very skinny and there was just something different about her..something broken..she told me about all the drugs she did, ecstasy and cocaine and that she was doing cocaine for a while but stopped i guess it would be the same feeling as when ur a kid and u lose ur favorite teddy bear only to find it in ur garage years later dirty, and falling apart. We chilled at my house and catched up a lil bit she told me that she was jus goin thru some shit at that time and that she needed sarah becuz she jus didnt want to give a fuck about anything at that time and sarah would help and allow her to be like that. It was exactly what i had expected and couldnt believe i was hearing her say it. She left and we had made a few different plans to hang out again in the future all thru texts, all of which she flaked out on one in particular so she could go to a club instead...and lied to me sayin she went to her cousins house... we lose touch again. Then i saw her again driving out of the mall at the same time as me and she invited me to eat with her and her newest best friend, she was nice like always..like the same old friend, her new best friend was friendly and nice too and at the restaurant my old buddy sat next to me rather then her new best friend i was very surprised...i couldnt've been happier i still noticed her fake ways though. Then about a month ago she actualy texted ME saying she wanted to chill which caught me very off guard, at the same time i knew she was gonna flake....and she did she apparently felt sick at work and got home and thought she had food poisoning from mcdonalds... i stay skeptical but always give the benefit of the doubt. I mentioned to her how hard it was to get ahold of her (never picks up the phone or replies to texts or calls back) and she replied with "im just so busy". After that i said well just hit me up whenever u wanna chill, im always open i got nuthin goin on. I have yet to hear from her, there was no reschedule...

So was the friend that I once knew, the fake "tara" when i thought that was her at her realest? or was her at what i thought was her lowest point the realest "tara" or is the "tara" she is now the closest to who she really is...or maybe the lowest tara is the real tara and now she just learned how to lie and be fake and decieve people better. Maybe its just a constant change, a battle between the good and the evil inside of her and she is too lost to figure things out. whatever it is I will probably NEVER know, the open hearted friend i once knew is gone and is replaced by a person that holds everything in and has many secrets, but im always there and always waiting and hoping she will be back again.

I will ALWAYS ask myself.... although i have many theories i have yet to get the answer to my question....WHY DID SHE CHANGE?

I am back from AZ

Had a blast in arizona with my family and made some $$$ :]]]] my aunt and my cousin paid me to do their makeup and hair for their brother's wedding it turned out beautiful, i really outdid myself haha making money off of something i have a passion for really made me realize why its so hard for me to be happy with the money i make from average jobs, money to me just isnt that great unless im making it off of something i love i guess. Once i get tha pictures from the wedding i'll put em up for everyone to see, i'd love to hear opinions. Besides all that, i've never felt happier! being around people who love me really made me realize that im not alone, i often feel that way out here in san jacinto CA and i have to battle against feeling down on myself, but being around such a loving, accepting and open family and my fellow cousins really made me feel recharged with energy and a positive outlook again. cant wait to see them on new years :) all this made me realize even more that you can be "strong" but EVERYONE needs a support system just because you need people doesnt mean you are weak or too dependent.

LADY GAGA AND HER "NON IMAGE" BULLSHIT

Ok I saw in an interview on MTV I believe, of her talking about how she looks isnt an image and that thats how she dresses everyday to express herself....BULLSHIT, there she is on boiling points in 2005 looking average as fuck, sure she coulda went from average looking to fucken crazy before she got famous and after this boiling points episode but i highly doubt it. Are people really that dumb? EVERYBODY whos famous has an "image" its not 100% who they are if even at all! so why does she look like a cockatoo on acid you say? maybe her record label came up with the image for her and noww i gotta go around seein crazy bitches trying to imitate her ridiculous style on a daily basis when in reality SHE probably doesnt even want to dress like that. Come on have you heard any of her songs? she clearly doesnt write any of them because they completely lack creativity and if she does well then SHE clearly has no creativity because they all sound the same so how could she come up with such crazy, elaborate,ridiculous outfits??? cuz she didnt, someone else did and its all part of her image. and WTF is with all these singers wearing leotards???? every female singer is looking crazy now not just lady gaga look at beyonce in her c3po outfit in her sweet dreams video.

TASHA UPDATE

tasha my min pin got a lil better they didnt find anything in her blood tests, she hasnt had diarrhea but she is still underweight and it looks to me like shes getting skinnier and skinnier still....AND today i noticed she was limping and theres something wrong with her front leg, it looks swollen on the joint..im really worried about her now, especially since we cant take her to the vet right away, we're leaving tomorrow to arizona for my cousins wedding and we'll be gone for 4 days. and I know my irresponsible brother isnt going to be taking extra care for her :[[ what could be wrong with her??

organic makeup

Yaayyy a 100% certified organic makeup, I've tried the lip gloss, mascara, and blush so far. One of the lip glosses wasnt so good it didnt go on smooth when i put it on but in the other color it did and i loved it. I LOVE the blush, it gives a natural luminosity to your face. BUT the mascara wasnt so great, it decently defines and lengthes but if you get it in your eye it BURNS reaaallly bad at least on me it does. Has anyone tried the foundation, concealer or bronzer? im curious as to how good they are... if i buy more from this line i'll give you a review.

What is SUCCESS?

If nobody already knew, I am HIGHLY against mainstream music particularly mainstream hip hop. Being such an underground hiphophead myself i think mainstream hip hop gives REAL hiphop a bad name, not only that but it promotes a shallow way of thinking. I heard this song by drake and trey songz called " successful" it goes "i want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, and the hos i suppose i just wanna be successful" WAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? pardon my caps lock but just having to repeat that was angering, i need some anger management for this shit. But i think its ridiculous how so many people measure success by materialistic posessions and making a song about it is making lots of people think the same thing not only of materialstic posessions but "ho's" now?? really having a lot of ho's is being successful?? theres a whole lotta ho's out there i thought having a good woman was a success. Success to me is best described by Albert Einstein's quote "strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value" I think if you are of value then you are a success. I cant go to school right now, i have yet to find a job, i dont have many friends, a car, money, or a lotta clothes but dammit i think im a success, because i have made a lot of big strides as a person, i have morals, values, and wisdom, and im a good daughter, friend, and girlfriend. To me success should be measured in how good of a person you are not how much you have. Lets stop the materialism PLEASE and make light of the true important things in life.

This is why I LOVE underground hiphop because that is what underground hiphop rappers do. It's not all about making a hit and making money.

alice in wonderland!

they're makin a new alice in wonderland an johnny depp is in it! im a biiggg disney movie lover and Tim burton fan, so i cannot fucken waaiiitt to see this shit i kno its gonna be iLL and tha makeup is amazingg cant wait. it comes out march 5th 2010

mf doom

all time favorites:) lots of hiphop lovers might love doom, but they dont really know whats up till they hear his doomilation cd!

ADOPT A PET AND SAVE A LIFE

I am a volunteer at my local animal shelter the Ramona Humane Society. it is overpacked with animals, i was told they kill up to 300 animals a day! :[[[ sounds impossible right? i reallly want to do something to help these animals get adopted there are sooo many good dogs in that shelter, i know because im their dog walker haha if you live around my area and are looking for a pet please come to our shelter and adopt , if you are looking for a particular breed, let me know what it is and i will go check for you so you can find your new pet.

my min pin tasha!

I took her to tha vet yesterday, because shes had diarrhea for 2 weeks and is losing weight, she is very skinny now after bein a lil bit more on tha heavyset side most of her life.. i know shes old but its not normal for her to be that skinny when we're giving her 3 meals a day! so we took her to tha vet and he said it could be diabetes or her kidney or something else so they'd have to take blood tests. we got the results today and they couldnt find ANYTHING wrong, they prescribed antibiotics, a parasite medication, and some other one i dont remember what it is..they say if she doesnt get better with these meds she could have CANCER :[[ and they would have to do x-rays to find out (which are pretty expensive). On the up side her personality has been tha same independent, grumpy old lady she's always been, even running around and still food obsessed....what tha hell could be wrong with my little old lady tasha!! i hope she gets better...send positive energy her way:)

My boo and his kreww killin it!

he's tha dreadhead haha i wanted to post this up before i forgot, this tummy ache wont let me sleep:(

EVER FELT LIKE THIS?

this was my anthem a coupla days ago when my family was makin my life hell, gil is so fucken amazing

FALL / WINTER MAKEUP TREND

Every fall and winter what trend do you begin to see? bold lips with a clean simple face. After searching for many years of my life for that perfect red lipstick i have FINALLY found the perfect one. If you are latina like me, you probably have yellowish or olive undertones, and most lipsticks are very cherry colored or bright which make your skin look yellower! so not flattering! and most are very shiny and/or shimmery which to me doesnt look very chic and looks more like CHEAP, i wanted a high quality lipstick that flattered my skin tone and didnt contain a lot of harmful ingredients ( the ones i look to avoid are any parabens and glycols specifically) . Revlons matte lipstick in "in the red" is perrfeecctt paired with their lipliner in "wine" amazinggg. the color is perfect for a girl that wants that miss mystery red kinda color, and tha matte...soo chiccc i've gotten many compliments, anddd i dont recall seeing any parabens or propylene glycol in the ingredients!

a little lesson on love

Now i am nooo expert, I have had only one boyfriend in my whole life so far and pretty much never dated anyone else what most would see as inexperience, i KNOW is actually knowledge and intuition working in unison. I never wasted my teen life dating guys just for their looks, or just because they gave me attention, something in me knew i was worth more than that, my intuition was tellin me someone special is out there and he'll be just tha right fit for me. There were many guys of course that i took interest in, even one that i fell in love with (never ended up together tho), but i always let things flow i never forced anything to happen. Now that I have a boyfriend that i've been with for quite a while, i know that relationships are not a fairytale it gets really really hard sometimes, but one thing is for certain if your man is a loyal good hearted person, and you are a loyal good hearted person, and your sacral, heart, and third eye chakra are in sync...then your relationship is sure to last and it is sure to be true love. Just because you may argue a lot with your man for a while does not mean that it is the end, i've found that almost every arguement i've had with my boyfriend in the end is something that makes me a better person, same goes for him. NEVER GIVE UP ON THA PERSON YOU LOVE IF YOUR GUT TELLS YOU ITS TRUE. I truly think that in every relationship you have friendship or more, that person is in your life is there to teach you something and if you or the other person isnt willing to learn, than the relationship will not work. IT TAKES 2 UNSELFISH, OPEN, GOOD HEARTED people to make any kind of relationship work, so long as you are selfish and unwilling to admit your flaws and want to change them you will be completely unsuccessful in finding true love. i see romantic love as a gift that the divine gives us for for being open to our truth and following our path. i believe EVERYBODY is on this earth to make themselves a better person and help others in tha process i think that is the "main goal", and if you're not on that path, if you are lost..you will not have good things coming your way..life will throw difficult lessons at you over and over and over again until you see the truth and finally learn, and tha longer you resist, tha tougher it'll get.

tha basics...

When i talk about my life, its pretty hard to keep it simple... but on tha outside my life does seem sooo simple to a person looking in. I am 100% colombian, born in california. I just turned 20 in november, i live with my mom marta, dad jaime, 23 year old brother al, his girlfriend jess...her dog "demon" a chihuahua with split personality disorder, and last but not least my 2 MinPins tasha and Ruby..hmm jus that should give you a hint as to how crazy my life really is :) I live in a city thats not quite a small town and not quite a well-known city, lots of people still dont kno wat im talkin about when i say tha name.. "San Jacinto", a town with little diversity and a whole lotta mexicans haha when i say little diversity, I mean for example if I lived in Riverside id be able to meet quite a few people that are into underground hiphop, bboys, bgirls, artists, list goes on and on. Around here you really cant find people that are into some of these things, i probably can count on my hand tha people that are truly "down" with tha realness, why i dont chill with those people is a whooole other blog post. For a person like me, where hiphop and common interests means so much..its a big deal.

I have a boyfriend who I've been with for 2 years and 9 months now, his name is Mike if you're in tha bboy game you may kno him as OSM:) he's in a bboy crew established in temecula called Ill Flavored Rejects, havent heard of em? look em up on youtube and check tha footy although there isnt a whole lot up right now. i'll save tha story of me and mike for another day. So pretty much those are tha everyday people in my life right now...not really any friends in case you didnt notice.. and like i said thats a whooolee other lonngg asss stoorryyy.. no time for that. Im just goin to put it randomly out there and say that I have an anxiety disorder, i can remember the exact day this problem developed, i was 16 and since then i have been learning to deal and searching for a cure. i refuse to use that bullshit nonsense that doctors prescribe and resort only to holistic,natural, and homeopathic means to fix it. My journey with this problem is a whole book in tha chronicles of Judy and is i must admit a pretty big reason why i decided to do this..i want to find and help other people my age with this similar experience and hopefully get ideas from others as well. I am not goin to school which is in direct correlation to tha anxiety problem, I do not have a job because of this fucked economy and partially tha anxiety haha To everybody else im just a lonely crazy beautiful BUM to me im something completely different and much more amazing:) So i guess thats as basic as i can make it! PEACE

First Post!

Ok this is my verry firsst post, im not really sure what possessed me to start a blog...i Just know I have a lot on my mind all tha time, a lot of opinions, and not a whole lot of people to express these things to. I Feel that I have a lot of wisdom to offer people my age and want in turn to receive insight from others. Im willing to put it all out there for tha world to read in hopes of being helped, helping others, and making connections with people. This will be my open diary, and im inviting you all to look into tha mind of a crazy 20 year old bitch like me haha peaace