Monday, February 8, 2010

i'll answer anything, even if its some bullllshiieeett =]]

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

ask me anything!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

a poem by me

she believes love can overcome all, shes young and naive
hasnt seen tha results but feels it thru tha practice of tai chi
feeling depressed she cant help but ask "why me?"
shadows tell her she cant handle it shes thinkin "try me"
she pitys herself when tha loneliness envelopes
then learns to love and embrace it
its comfortable like a cashmere knit sweater
shes been there before it'll always get better
or so he tells her
sometimes she feels like shes a catastrophe
wants to feel pain just to feel reality
but she'll never lets herself fall
its an uphill battle but she knows below darkness walks
she dont wanna go there again
she walked for a month among tha shadows dead
its a place she will never forget
but she will never regret
walking with death taught her how she needs to live
even if it might not be tha truth
ignorance can really be bliss
if positivity isnt truth than let me be ignorant she says
you continue on in your darkness

Saturday, January 2, 2010


we will never know what truly "is"
we only know what our eyes show us, ears tell us, smell and touch lets us know
all of that is our own perception of what "is"
many times we're wrong which is why we are constantly surprised by life
accept that you know the certainty of nothing and you wont be restrained by anything
most people love to be caged in a box
because its safe, you like to know where all four corners are, nothing can get in and you cant get out
accept that whatever you see and believe is not for certain in this life and you reach ultimate freedom
so to people who say they believe in freedom that's bullshit
the government knows just want to feel safe.
so its your pick be scared and uncertain with freedom, or feel safe and caged.
embrace the unknown
I'd rather tread in this world with acceptance, humility and courage then arrogance, ignorance, and cowardice.

why do people change(part one)?..the story about my best friend

everyone knows that change is constant, it's the only thing in life that is guaranteed. Some people will never be able to change...why? and some people WILL change but absolutely for the worst. I have yet to see anyone create a positive change in themselves in my life. I see it on tv... the heroin addict that turns their life around and always seems to become a religion addict soon after. Is that person pushed to change because all of society's pressure is on them..or did that person truly "find" god? these questions come to me because of my own experiences. I had a best friend for 5 years of my life 8th grade till the end of high skool, unfortunately the end of high skool would also mean the end of our friendship. She was truly more like a long lost sister, all my happiest memories were with her, and thru all my hard times she was there just like i was for her. I never had a friend like her so being a good friend was of the utmost importance to me. Then, things started to change.

towards our last year of high skool i went on independent studies and she went to a continuation skool that i previously had gone to, another girl that was in our group of friends was gonna go to that skool too. I'd call her every day to see how things were goin with her and then i began to notice she wasnt really callin me anymore. I also began to see her becoming very close friends with the girl from our group lets call her "sarah". This girl was a whole other sense of direction, no values, all that sarah cared about was being the epitome of what she thought was koo. So as time goes on my best friend no longer called or wanted to chill with me, which to me was very odd becuz we would hang out almost every day.. we'd always talk about how dumb it was for sarah to be trying all kinds of different pills, that we knew it was just because she wanted to be like the girls she always looked up to..which was the girls that tried everything, did everything and had a crazy story to go with everything. So i begin to see on the internet that the days she said she couldnt hang out with me becuz her "mom wouldnt let her" were the days she was hanging out with sarah and even other mutual friends of the group. I'd later find out that when they'd ask her where i was she would say "oh she's with her bf you kno she never has time for us anymore". I was being lied to straight to my face, many times i'd ask her wats up u can be real with me but she always lied "wat do u mean, ur still my best friend nothings changed"...

But CLEARLY everything had changed and it was changing more and more and i was being lied to more and more and as all that was happening i was trying harder and harder to be a good friend to her and ask her and try to understand wat was wrong. ultimately after many months she finally said "ok judy lets talk i cant hold it in anymore" we had a long conversation that lead to nowhere and was all bullshit. I tried so many times to get the truth out, i tried so many times to "start over" with her,i saw the person i once knew slipping away and turning into someone else. When we would "start over" nothing would change she'd still never call never want to hang out and never want to tell the truth. This was where i learned ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

but anyway, i let her go and just stopped trying and nothing hurt me more than to see my best friend putting up pics on the net of her drunk makin out with people, pics of her lookin drugged up at raves, losing a lot of weight, all with her new best friend sarah who she became almost a carpon copy of. Time goes on and i can feel her steppin away from that scene and decide to contact her jus to say hello pretty much, soon after i accidentally ran into her somewhere and we began to talk she apologized to me and i sensed genuinity in her voice, she had more piercings was very skinny and there was just something different about her..something broken..she told me about all the drugs she did, ecstasy and cocaine and that she was doing cocaine for a while but stopped i guess it would be the same feeling as when ur a kid and u lose ur favorite teddy bear only to find it in ur garage years later dirty, and falling apart. We chilled at my house and catched up a lil bit she told me that she was jus goin thru some shit at that time and that she needed sarah becuz she jus didnt want to give a fuck about anything at that time and sarah would help and allow her to be like that. It was exactly what i had expected and couldnt believe i was hearing her say it. She left and we had made a few different plans to hang out again in the future all thru texts, all of which she flaked out on one in particular so she could go to a club instead...and lied to me sayin she went to her cousins house... we lose touch again. Then i saw her again driving out of the mall at the same time as me and she invited me to eat with her and her newest best friend, she was nice like the same old friend, her new best friend was friendly and nice too and at the restaurant my old buddy sat next to me rather then her new best friend i was very surprised...i couldnt've been happier i still noticed her fake ways though. Then about a month ago she actualy texted ME saying she wanted to chill which caught me very off guard, at the same time i knew she was gonna flake....and she did she apparently felt sick at work and got home and thought she had food poisoning from mcdonalds... i stay skeptical but always give the benefit of the doubt. I mentioned to her how hard it was to get ahold of her (never picks up the phone or replies to texts or calls back) and she replied with "im just so busy". After that i said well just hit me up whenever u wanna chill, im always open i got nuthin goin on. I have yet to hear from her, there was no reschedule...

So was the friend that I once knew, the fake "tara" when i thought that was her at her realest? or was her at what i thought was her lowest point the realest "tara" or is the "tara" she is now the closest to who she really is...or maybe the lowest tara is the real tara and now she just learned how to lie and be fake and decieve people better. Maybe its just a constant change, a battle between the good and the evil inside of her and she is too lost to figure things out. whatever it is I will probably NEVER know, the open hearted friend i once knew is gone and is replaced by a person that holds everything in and has many secrets, but im always there and always waiting and hoping she will be back again.

I will ALWAYS ask myself.... although i have many theories i have yet to get the answer to my question....WHY DID SHE CHANGE?